The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
