I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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