I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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