I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My cat gives me a boner
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
