He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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