The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
