did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
