Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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