Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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