Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
