It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
