I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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