I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
