oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
