He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
