Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Ketchup is God's man juice
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize