i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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