I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize