loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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