any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
then he tried to convert me to islam
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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