someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
