My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
