I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
