I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
