The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
