And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
