i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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