ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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