he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
