Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
