Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
