Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
