You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
should my penis look like a turkey
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
