we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
