I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
