just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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