I hate your face
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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