Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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