just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
