i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
