somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
