just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
