im six kinds of drunk right now
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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