As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
