why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize