I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
