Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
