Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
