the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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