Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
