I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
