Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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