Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
