I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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