watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
