He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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