For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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