First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She's the barista slut.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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