i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
