I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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