Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
